6 things everyone should know about ‘love bombing’
New relationships are exciting, especially when there’s an instant spark. In many cases, feeling connected and comfortable can be a sign of a supportive relationship. But some relationships that start off feeling great can shift in ways that are not so good once the excitement and novelty wear off.
Here are six things to know about love bombing.
1. What is love bombing?
‘Love bombing’ is a term used to describe overwhelming and often incongruent affection during the early stages of a friendship or dating relationship. One person goes above and beyond to please the other person by giving excessive compliments, pushing for commitment or more time together, making grand gestures and sending over-the-top gifts. Rather than feeling cared for or connected, the outcome makes the recipient feel uncomfortable, overwhelmed, or manipulated.
2. What does love bombing look like?
Knowing how to identify what feels good and what doesn’t can help inform discussions around boundaries and comfort level in any relationship. It can also serve as a guide for making important decisions about the relationship moving forward.
Here are some behaviors to pay attention to:
Extreme flattery
Receiving compliments can make us feel good and boost our confidence. On the flip side, too many compliments can feel overwhelming.
Love bombing can include:
- Giving sweeping compliments before they really know someone.
- Insisting on how much better or more unique someone is compared to other people, especially their exes or other friends.
- Flattering someone so much that the compliments may feel forced, fake or inauthentic.
Getting too personal too quickly
Getting to know someone is important. If someone is getting too personal too quickly, it may feel invasive or awkward.
Love bombing can include:
- Readily divulging highly personal details within the first few encounters (e.g. detailed dating history, medical/psychiatric history, financial or family issues, etc.).
- Asking probing questions or pry in an effort to know everything about someone right away.
- Asking the other person to share secrets with them before properly earning their trust.
Pressure to commit
All relationships have different timelines. If someone takes the reins or forces a relationship to move faster than the other person is comfortable with, it may be a sign to pause.
Love bombing can include:
- Pressuring someone to commit to a relationship very early in the relationship.
- Insisting on meeting close friends or family early on.
- Having early and intense talks about the relationship’s future such as “when we move in together” or “I can’t imagine my future without you.”
Declarations of love
Deeper connections don’t happen overnight, even if sparks fly on the first encounter.
Love bombing can include:
- Insisting on being soulmates.
- Making big displays of affection or grand gestures in public or on social media.
- Saying “I love you” very early on in a relationship (and may get upset if the sentiment is not reciprocated).
Intense clinginess
It’s normal to want to text, call and spend time with a new friend or potential partner. However, if someone becomes too clingy, it may quickly feel off putting.
Love bombing can include:
- Texting, calling or asking to hang out non-stop, even if the other person is busy.
- Inviting themselves along to the other person’s plans.
- Making the other person feel guilty for ‘neglecting’ them.
Over-the-top gifts
Gifts can be a nice gesture, and if they are excessive or feel conditional, it can be a sign that someone is trying to exploit or manipulate others.
Love bombing can include:
- Showering others in unneeded or unwanted gifts.
- Taking gift-giving to an extreme (e.g. buying five bouquets of flowers instead of one).
- Buying overly expensive or excessive gifts early on (e.g. jewelry, electronics, travel, etc.)
Constant reassurance
Everyone has insecurities, but if someone needs constant reassurance, praise or validation, it may be a sign of concern.
Love bombing can include:
- Putting themselves down with the expectation that their partners will reassure them.
- Getting upset when their friend or partner doesn’t respond to texts or get back to them quickly enough.
- Asking for confirmation of the other person’s love for them or reassurance that they’re just as committed to the relationship.
Important note
In any relationship, it’s important to be mindful of our own emotions and experiences. If someone feels embarrassed about the intensity of a new relationship or downplays it because they worry people may judge them, those are good signs that someone may need to reflect on the relationship. Most importantly, if something feels off, it should be explored. There isn’t an obligation to stay in a relationship when it isn’t working.
3. Why is love bombing harmful?
People in any relationship need time to build trust, to practice helpful communication strategies, and to figure out how to disagree constructively. The overwhelming nature of love bombing artificially builds a sense that love exists before people in a relationship have had time to actually build trust. Overtime, relationships that don’t have established boundaries and supportive habits can turn hurtful.
Without a history of growing together, people in a relationship may try to get their needs met using other strategies. That can include someone trying to control the other person.
Here are some hurtful behaviors to look out for:
- Limiting a person’s access to friends or family
- Gaslighting the other person (e.g. shifting blame, denying the truth, minimizing or dismissing the needs of others, using love or friendship as an excuse for harmful behaviors, “forgetting” something that took place, etc.)
- Acting out of unreasonable jealousy
- Engaging in other abusive behaviors like intimidation or physical harm
4. What could someone do if they suspect love bombing?
Love bombing behaviors and patterns can be subtle. Keep in mind that kind gestures aren’t automatically indicative of love bombing or manipulation. If someone is in a new relationship and feels like something is amiss, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they have to terminate the relationship. Instead, they may just need to slow down and reflect on how they are feeling and what they want.
Here are some strategies you can use:
Discuss boundaries
Boundaries represent the limits, rules or expectations that protect personal well-being. Setting and enforcing boundaries can help us navigate relationships in a more positive way and avoid feelings of anger, resentment or burnout over things that may have otherwise been left unsaid. Consider:
- How much time do we want to spend together in person, texting, or calling throughout the day?
- How soon do we want to meet friends or family members?
- What types of displays of affection are we comfortable with?
Take inventory
Taking time to reflect on our life and relationships can help us identify what is going well and what is not. When taking inventory of a relationship, it’s important to account for our own perspective and experience and the experience and perspective of the other person. For instance, it’s important to consider where both people are coming from, what is wanted in the relationship and how to move forward with one another if something isn’t working.
Consider reflecting on:
- Is time spent differently than before the relationship? Is that working or not?
- Has a relationship resulted in losing touch with other friends when that isn’t wanted?
- Do both people want the same things out of the relationship?
- Exploring answers to these questions can clarify whether a relationship is helpful for everyone involved.
Talk to an objective third party
Friends, family members, mental health providers, and other mentors might help us gain perspective on a new relationship. Choosing a trusted person who can offer some objectivity and less judgment may be helpful given the topic.
Someone may want perspective on:
- Identifying concerns about a relationship that they might be missing or minimizing.
- Exploring boundaries
- Identifying what they value in a friend or partner
Accept that sometimes things just don’t work out
It can be difficult to give ourselves permission to change or leave a relationship that feels hurtful/unhelpful and it requires that we show ourselves compassion and kindness through this process.
Prioritize your safety
If a romantic partner or friend oversteps boundaries or makes someone question their safety, including when attempting to end a relationship, it can be important to have a safety plan in place.
5. How can I help a friend who is being love bombed?
It’s never a good idea to try and control someone else’s behavior. This is true even when we are trying to be good friends and get our loved ones out of relationships that don’t seem all that great. When we try to convince or persuade others, we often lose our ability to be a supportive listener and forfeit our loved one’s trust in the process. Opening up a conversation and holding space for a friend to process whether or not they think they want to make a change or not is one of the best ways to offer support.
6. What resources are available?
If you or someone you know is struggling with behaviors in a relationship, there are resources available to help.
Campus resources
The Office of Victim Assistance (OVA)
OVA provides free and confidential trauma-specific counseling and advocacy for students, staff and faculty around various traumatic experiences, including intimate partner abuse and domestic violence. Call 303-492-8855 (24/7) to talk to an advocacy counselor. Information related to intimate partner abuse is available on their website.
Available for:students, staff, faculty
Counseling and Psychiatric Services (CAPS)
CAPS works with students to address a variety of mental health concerns, including navigating relationships. They also offer process therapy groups to help students learn valuable skills related to building and maintaining healthy relationships with friends, family and romantic partners.
Available for:students
Faculty and Staff Assistance Program (FSAP)
All С Boulder staff and faculty can access free counseling services through FSAP, including short-term individual, relationship and family counseling. Employees do not need to use paid time off (PTO) or sick time in order to access FSAP services, including during the workday. FSAP offers various workshops.
Available for:staff, faculty
Don’t Ignore It
This can help students, staff, faculty and community members navigate reporting options and get help for themselves or others. If it feels wrong, it probably is. Don't ignore it.
Available for:students, staff, faculty
Community resources
SPAN provides a number of services to the Boulder community, including a 24/7 crisis line, shelter, counseling, legal advocacy, housing and transitional services and anti-violence education.
This organization can provide information on shelters and 24/7 hotlines throughout Colorado. They also provide other information related to intimate partner abuse and domestic violence specific to Colorado.
This hotline is available 24/7 and offers support in more than 200 languages at 1-800-799-7233. You can also chat with someone through their website at. All phone calls and chats are confidential.
The Trevor Project provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ+ communities. Access 24/7 support by calling 1-866-488-7386. Support is also available through.